i am blue.

"now its done,
watch it go.
and youve changed so...

am i so dear,
do i run rare?
and youve changed so..."

i think ive quoted this song on multiple occasions (for the SAME reason).
my heart hurts and my hairs a mess.
im so sick both literally and figuratively right now.
change is necessary but its a matter of which direction the wind will blow.

im going to take a hot bubble bath. that should help, right?

back to hawaii.

i generally never vlog. the sound of my voice is terrible! (how come you people are friends with me anyway?!) but being bored in airports does funny things to you. so enjoy.

united read my mind.

i woke up at 7 and drove to redlands in my pajamas to take angi bane coffee. i hadnt seen her since i had arrived in california a week ago. thats a long time to be within a 10 mile radius and not see her. anyway it was much needed. why are you so wise angi? youre like my own personal owl... noble and majestic in your ways. the visit became even better when united called me to inform me that my flight had been cancelled! i kinda thought it was a joke... but no... i leave tomorrow at 1:09pm. maybe ill vlog at the airport or somethin? point being i was able to stay an extra day and spend time with angi and stella. god i get so sidetracked! here are some photos/videos of hang time with the stellanator.



i didnt realize how hard three year olds rule at living life?!

sunday i spent some time with the inlaws. (i know im doing this backwards)

saturday i went to musink with ashley, brittany, michelle? and shaun (brandons mom). it was super fun, however, i was slightly under the weather and had a lot on my mind. i ended up getting my lip tattooed with the an interesting word, "SLAM." i guess you can make whatever you want of it. note to self: most painful tattoo thus far.

mouth full of ink

ow.



okay im going to hack myself asleep... my throat needs to heal itself already! fack!

thin air.

woke up this morning with the worst sore throat. i sound like a man when i talk.

sorry about last nights emo post... it was a rough day. i woke up this morning feeling a bit more posi and i uploaded photos which always puts me in a good mood. so ill give the run down of whats happened since i arrived in the golden state.

tuesday: flight landed at 10am. my mom forgot to pick me up. finally left the airport at 11am. ran a shitload of errands, hung with some friends, came home and fell asleep. sleep was glorious that night.

wednesday: father in law picked me up at 10am, drove me to century city and i gave my deposition. heres our lawyer..

it was a waste of time and i was just used for billing on the other attorneys behalf. saw tim & eric that night with dave, brandon and dam. came home to hammered parents... which is always a bummer. slept for 4 hours that night.

thursday: played with willy.

had lunch with trav. helped nemo with a photo shoot.

had chipotle with nemo. didnt end up going back to the ie & slept at the flores/seghers/aguilar residence that night (due to annihilated parental issues).

friday: am breakfast sesh with dave and brian. la to check out a potential campus. lunch with looker. dropped film off. hung with josh (mainly janell). had a meltdown mid traffic. climbed on rooftops. ate drank at pf changs. tried to cuzzi... only to find cold water, got bummed out and fell asleep hammered.

now its saturday and im supposed to go to musink in a few hours but im feeling ridiculously ill and would rather be swaddled.

waiting.

today i had way too many deep conversations with janell. while driving i just managed to have a mental breakdown. this song just happened to come on shuffle. sometimes shuffle knows me better than i know myself.

so say goodbye to love and hold your head up high
theres no need to rush
were all just waiting …. waiting to die...

god, city and colour could basically rule my life right now. these past few days have confused me beyond no end and i really dont know where to dig and what to bury.

sleuth.

yesterday/today seem like one big meshed together blob of time. i literally could mistake it for a weeks worth of events. after pushing myself to the extreme limit of exhaustion and almost mentally breaking down in target tonight [around 7:30pm] i have decided to call it quits. sleep is about to invade every pore of my body and my face feels like its melting the fuck off.


here i am at 4am in the san francisco international airport. wow!


deposition tomorrow. scrrd.

california round 56.

i have to fly to california AGAIN! our lawyer scheduled my deposition for the 18th... as if he couldnt have told us this WHILE I WAS IN CALIFORNIA A WEEK AGO?! yarbles. im catchin the red eye tomorrow night at 11:59pm (why didnt they just say tuesday at 12am?). im trying to keep plane crashes in the very far corner of my mind.

in other news i sold my kenner blythe. sadness. the money was needed and i actually made a little extra for the restorations i did to her. i am being a responsible adult and paying off my debts. although the only reason im paying them billz is so i can fly to chicago in may... does my previous statement really count?

also, something josh blogged about made me think. i literally concocted this visual in my head and LOL'd... no really. so what if people started treating sex like a mexican restaurant? "hey you, hyna. why dont you let me put this burrito in your taco so i can make some guacamole?" i actually think i would give a guy a chance if he said that to me.

awesome.

favorite color.

yesterday i received a letter from my grandmommy. it was a valetines day letter! enclosed was $50 and a note that said, "take rob to lunch somewhere nice." now in my mind that translated to pizza. i ordered a veggie pizza sans cheese and subbed black olives for kalamata olives. upon eating this pizza i came to the conclusion that kalamata olive is my favorite color.



its so hard to even describe the color... but its such a rich color and i love it.

www.flirtygirlfit.com

infomercials cease to amaze me. you should totally get fit with flirty girl fitness, just sayin'.

today:
-i picked up a purse full of meds from the pharmacy (for my rashy face, ew). i guess i cant go in the sun while im taking them? back to albino i go. shucks, i was totally working on my bro base tan too.
-i also probed a few places for a part time job to pay off my credit card. i quickly came to the realization that nobody is hiring right now. guess ill put all of my effort into the ebay store?
-i spent some time with the furry creatures we live with. booger is wise beyond doggy years.

-i took some photos of my latest blythe to join the fam, "cappuccino chat" aka nevella (my great aunts name).


i still need to:
-finish laundry, ugh.
-go to spin class. my friend heather is teaching today, yay!
-turn off MTV2 because every fucking music video sounds the same.

moth.

i found her in the yard one morning measuring in at a whopping four inches accross! i sealed her in a ziplock bag and told myself, "you should take a picture of that creature sometime in the near future." three months later this is what came out.

the photo really doesnt do the beauty of this insect justice. im a dummy and waited far too long to photograph this lovely lady. her wings dried in a downward angle thus preventing me to capture her completely. :::sigh:::

nothing very epic has happened since ive come home (california somehow just brings epicness into my life). although a few things have changed since my last post.

-val moved back to california. my only friend i could kinda connect to here is now gone. :'( i drove her to the airport at 4:45am on friday.

-since the beginning of january, ive been working out about five days a week in combination with not eating sweets and ive lost 10 pounds YAY! i really want to look like im supposed to look, you know, minus all of the jiggles and rolls? is that too much to ask?

-made some crucial life choices that i shall discuss further in the future.

-went to the dermatologist today to get something else for my dermatitis [since the strange foam i was perscribed aint workin no mo]. what an embarrassing problem. looks like acne, itches like hell and falls off in scales... IM A FRIGGEN CARNY! gross kali.

ummmmm, thats it.

sweat.

im so freaking sweaty, its gross. i just got home from the gym and my hair at one point was dry while its completely wet now... ew. i ran for 30 minutes, did 120 crunches and while i was walking out the door i bumped into my landlord who then convinced me to take the pilates class. not to mention i did RPM (hawaiis version of spin) last night. i better look like a million bucks in a few months.

so ever since ive left california ive been doing some hard core reminiscing of good times. i really miss that smoggy ass state. im not sure what it is. rob and i had a serious "whats gonna happen with our lives" talk yesterday. some good and bad things arose from this... not quite sure whats gonna go down yet. guess time will tell, right?

ill leave you with a few photos:


(sushi @ miyagis with dave, brian and allan)

dave drove me all the way to lax during rush hour, what a nice guy =). we were also accompanied by brandon and dam...




and ill save the best for last [well, second to last]... check brandons creepy ass in the background.


oh california. it was so sad to leave you...

(thats my version of a tear... somehow i made myself look like i have a googly eye)

data rescue II

i hate when you have so much on your mind that you cant express your thoughts clearly. i care about things far too much for my own good. my eyes are welling up... guhh.

last night was fun, almost too fun. i just realized what all im missing in california... sort of puts things in perspective i suppose? today was spent taking my computer to the apple store only to realize i can fix the damn thing myself. i also drove out to los angeles to pick up my vespa from missi and frank. i miss silverlake.

when i came home tonight my mom was so drunk she couldnt walk. i carried her to her bedroom while my step father and his meth-head friends screamed at each other about how many colors are in the rainbow. did he even notice i carried her away? once i got her into her bedroom she fumbled with her clothes until she could finally rip them off. no discretion was taken while i sat there mortified. really mom, 25 years of this? i just hate that feeling when your parents, yet again, let you down. she proceeded to crawl under her "fancy chenille blanket" - mom... youre so fancy. she groped me for a few minutes, sobbing about how much she loves me. i kept prying her fingers off just assuring her that sleep would feel much better. at this point i kind of wish i could just be rescued. i dont know what stable feels like, AT ALL. i mean that crazy, numb feeling is a good thing. although at times like this, with wet cheeks, i really wish i were in a different position.

i have 34 minutes remaining with data rescue, my hard drive better be recovered. i need my music back while im in this sad state.